THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL

[...] Pride and Glory recalls Street Kings, another dirty-cop film that came out last summer – but Street Kings made a virtue of miscasting in starring a blank-slate actor, an actor who could play a loose-cannon lawman not because he looked tough (he didn't) but because you never knew what he was thinking anyway. His name? Keanu Reeves.

Reeves is perfect casting as the visiting alien in The Day the Earth Stood Still. "This body will take some getting used to," he muses of his human-looking shell, and Keanu himself looks like he's still getting used to his own body, moving stiffly and seldom adjusting his face unless absolutely necessary. The film is a remake, the alien in the 1951 original having been played by Michael Rennie – a sober, faintly dull British actor who specialised in cops and doctors; Reeves adds something more, his air of spaced-out Zen serenity. Alas, the film is feeble, lacking everything from visual coherence to memorable characters. It doesn't even make much sense.

The alien ("Klaatu") in the original came to Earth to deliver a warning: 'Live peacefully or else', a fitting Message for the early years of the Cold War. Keanu in the remake also claims he wants to "reason" with humanity, but in fact he's come as an executioner. The decision to destroy human beings has already been taken; he's just here to pull the switch – to "begin the procedure", collect animal species for future preservation in a Noah's Ark scenario, then scorch the rest with an army of killer bugs that destroy everything in their path. He has no reason to be hanging out with tasty scientist Jennifer Connelly and her truculent stepson (Jaden Smith), much less allow himself to be taken prisoner by the US government. Rennie in the original deliberately set out to live among humans, the better to try and understand them, but here it's just dumb luck that Keanu finally realises – with the bugs about to wreak havoc – that we may be "a destructive race" but we also have "another side". Phew, talk about a narrow escape.

Speaking of human destructiveness, the film doesn't make clear what exactly the problem is, or how humans are supposed to "change". Global warming is presumably the culprit, but it's never spelled out – unsurprisingly perhaps, in a film that's made by a large corporation and features a prominent plug for McDonald's – and no practical suggestion is made for how we can improve (the coda gets rid of electricity altogether, which just seems quixotic). Eco-issues are confused with simple aggression, so for instance the boy's father – a soldier who died, presumably in Iraq – has infected him with a fearful, kill-the-Other philosophy (the official response to Klaatu is also to fight rather than talk). It's easy to walk out of Day believing its only Message is that we should all be laid-back and gentle, like Keanu Reeves.

Does it matter? Yes, because it speaks to a lack of nerve. Day doesn't dare offend by being too 'environmental', just as it doesn't dare make Keanu a killer (when he kills a cop, he immediately brings him back to life). The film is destroyed by vagueness, just as director Scott Derrickson's staging is vague, often leaving out key information. We don't see the giant sphere land, it just lands (only at the end is there a master-shot). We don't see Gort the robot emerge, he just does. We don't see the soldiers surrounding him with metal plates, they just do (then the plates slam shut). We don't know why our heroes have to meet in a (highly symbolic) graveyard – or indeed anywhere, since Klaatu can just stay put and the others can come to him.

Maybe I'm asking too much. Day the Earth Stood Still isn't exactly teeming with holiday cheer – it's a film about the end of the world, after all – but it's clearly designed for Christmas audiences, tired and supine after a day of shopping. It’s a lie-back-and-gawp-at-the-special-effects pageant, not a serious movie. Critics demanding eco-Messages should probably back off – or, to quote one of the cops in Pride and Glory: "Calm down, it's the fuckin' holidays!".